When you fall seven times stand up eight

Over the past few years of my schooling journey, I've become an achiever. I always want to be on top. I was eager. I was competitive. I set a lot of expectations for myself, and I came to become a sucker for meeting everyone's expectations about me. I succeeded, yes. It satisfied me, and it satisfied even the people around me, but you know shit happens. Unfortunately, shit happened to me during my college journey. Got problems? Name it. The family situation got worse, with toxic relationships with my friends and loved ones. The battle is how to act okay every day, mostly in a suicidal and depressive state. The pressure is on the eldest child. Financial problems. Health problems. Academic pressure and problems. The never ending war between me, myself, and the world.
How lucky I am to have experienced that all in one. I got affected, yes, very much affected, just like how humans would react. I became wasted. I wasted time fighting, and trying to fix everything on my own, which I thought I could do but couldn't. I was lost in focus. I was lost on track. My life was fucked up—literally fucked up. It's hard. I almost drowned, no one knows because they believed that I was strong. They always say that I'm strong. Who would've thought that beyond my battles, I could still provide comfort and advice to others? that beyond my sufferings, I still managed to make other people happy? 
I guess that's already been one of my natures: to selflessly always be there for other people, but not for myself. But despite that life-and-death situation that happened to me, I saw that not most of it was bad, because... because of that fucking situation, I learned how to value myself. I learned how to focus on myself. I learned how to not give a damn about everyone around me. I learned how powerful I am when I love myself. Now, when someone asks me, "Cum laude ka?" I confidently say, No, I'm not. 
It's just so fascinating that I was supposed to be problematic about it, but it's the other way around. So I realized that, that is what will happen to me if I put a lot of expectations on other people. You'll not learn how to accept. You'll not learn how to appreciate your losses because you've only learned to appreciate your achievements. It's sad because it seems like, I am insisted on feeling like how they feel about me, and I pity that.

Looking back from my past experiences now, made me realize something; that everything has a common ground, everything is planned, you just have to trust Him and believe in yourself that you can.

xoxo

ofelijahnicolle